Forever Doesn't Exist
by Crimson Rose Blooms
Summary: They knew Haruka wouldn't be able to compose for them forever. Yet it comes as a complete surprise to them when Haruka disappears one day because she is unable to write. With Shining's threat of expelling her if she doesn't return within a week, Starish are desperate yet helpless. How will they be muses for Haruka when they don't even know what's wrong or where she is?
1. Prologue

**Forever Doesn't Exist**

* * *

It ought to be every girl's dream to have such a talented, handsome group of men vow their devotion to you. But not for Nanami Haruka.

Her dream was to make music. It was accomplished already; she was a composer in high demand. Almost everyone in the music industry has heard of her name. As much as she wanted to be happy and satisfied with that, she wasn't.

She sighed, staring at the blank manuscript on the piano. It always stayed blank. Only a few days ago she had been churning out music for Shining Agency – mindless, meaningless, mediocre music. But she stayed true to her work ethic and battered them out. She was a paid employee after all.

Haruka thought taking a break would help. Shining had been kind enough to allow her absence. Yet here she was, writing nothing again. And now she had a week to pick up her slack.

"Haruka, come have some apples. You've had nothing to eat since this morning," her gran chided, nudging open the door with a tray in her hands. Haruka quickly jumped up to helped her.

"Thank you. All these apples here are freshly picked today. You don't have those in the city, huh? You're pale from the lack of fruit," she teased.

She allowed her gran to baby her with the bunny-shaped pieces. It had been so long since she spent so much time with her. She wanted to cherish every moment. Nothing lasts forever.

After some casual chatter, her gran finally inquired, "Is work tiring you out? You look so crestfallen. Are those boys giving you hassle? Star… Starry? Are they ruining your music?"

"No, not at all," Haruka protested immediately.

It was anything but. Starish were amazingly supportive and needless to say they never took advantage of Haruka's music. They transformed it into something beautiful each time, beyond Haruka's imagination – although at the moment, it wasn't a difficult task. Anything was better than this.

"Alright," her gran replied with a slight frown, "But just remember, you can tell me anything. Your gran will always be here. It's been so long since you've come back to visit me. You used to come here all the time when you were little."

Haruka returned a weak smile and they continued eating their apples. Once they finished, her gran took up the tray. ("No, no. I can clean it up myself. Now you go and relax. Draw yourself a nice bath.") Her gran disappeared down the spacious halls. Just like her mind, there was only space – with nothing to fill it.

She couldn't comprehend her slump. It had come so suddenly that she couldn't figure out what triggered it. But she did know that Starish relied her on. Each one of them was waiting for her. It was her duty to create music. She was their chosen composer.

But Starish were taking off without her, like birds in the sky.

"I have to get better," she chanted to herself quietly.

Starish didn't need her like this.

"I have to get better."

What use was a composer who can't compose?

"I have to get better…"

But why?

* * *

 _Hi guys!_

 _This entire fanfiction was inspired by Episode 10/11 of Legend Star. I wouldn't be able to tell you how deeply it affected me and even why. It was just... powerful. I also got completely frustrated during the episodes they said: 'I love your music!' Even though they clearly loved Haruka too. I thought it would be a great idea to delve into their thinking. 'Why don't they say I love you?' - that type of thing. Anyway, I hope you enjoy as always and please leave me a review if you have the time! I always love to hear from you guys._


	2. Shinomiya Natsuki

"Haru-chan disappeared?"

"Left," Syo corrected, "For the week."

"Is it for work? How come she didn't mention it before? Haru-chan always leaves a note."

When Syo only stared at the ground, Natsuki shifted his focus across the room. Otoya was leaning against the wall, stone-faced. It wasn't the face of someone upset but the empty look wasn't one that belonged on Otoya's face. Beside him, Cecil was the personification of distress – brows furrowed and fists clenched. Ren was even worse. He had his head bent between his knees, covering his expression. Sitting opposite, Masato was slowly drinking his tea. Perhaps a little too slowly, as if he wasn't drinking but merely wetting his lips. Tokiya sat next to him but kept his eyes trained on the corner of the coffee table instead.

"Shining said she asked for time off because she was struggling to write music," Syo hesitated, "If she can't… recover, she'll quit the agency."

"What?" Natsuki exclaimed, "Do you think she's alright? We should go after her."

"She didn't say where she went," Ren uttered, "We only found out when Otoyan had his meeting cancelled."

"But we should still go after her," Cecil persisted. His frown only deepened when silence seized the group once more.

"I'm sure Nanami-san has a good reason for doing this; she isn't the type to act rashly. If she did not leave us a message then we ought to respect her decision," Masato answered, ever the voice of reason. But even Natsuki could distinguish the uncertainty of his comforting.

"Hijirikawa-san is right," Tokiya agreed, standing up, "What we should be doing is working hard. She wouldn't want to come back to this. It would upset her. We have an interview soon. You'll have to excuse us."

Then he grabbed Otoya on his way out. At least Otoya snapped out of his stupor to yelp in surprise. Slowly, the others offered their own excuses to leave.

Syo placed a reassuring hand on Natsuki's shoulders. "She'll come back. You need to believe in her."

"I do. I just can't stop worrying. She's never done anything like this before. What if she doesn't come back? I never even noticed she was feeling down."

Syo bit his lip. "We're all thinking that, I'm sure. I need to go to practice now. Don't overthink it. We ought to listen to Hijirikawa. We need to give her space and make sure she has a good place to return to."

Natsuki nodded and waved Syo off with a peppy smile. Once his childhood friend was out of sight, he allowed himself to delve into his thoughts.

What could possibly make Haruka so… depressed that she couldn't compose? Was it his fault? Was it Starish? Was it pressure? There were so many unanswered questions.

Natsuki, like the others, knew she had her own problems. Composing was under-appreciated and it was no less work than being an idol. But Haruka was so unbelievably strong. She would fight her way through each time without his help. It came to a point where maybe he stopped offering it. And every time he hit a wall, Natsuki would rely on Haruka.

He sighed. When was even the last time they held proper conversation? Last week?

 _"_ _Haru-chan, I made these cookies following a new recipe," Natsuki grinned, revealing his proud creation. They were a unique indigo colour. The book had said they darken when allowed to rest – that must be the reason. It couldn't possibly be Natsuki's cookery skills._

 _"_ _W-wow," Haruka smiled politely, putting down her book, "These looks… special."_

 _"_ _I made them for you. I wanted you to taste them first," Natsuki prompted her, holding out the platter. He waited patiently, watching Haruka's eyes flicker. Then it clicked. "Have you just eaten?"_

 _"_ _Y-yes," she answered somewhat nervously, "With Tomo-chan. I'd like to try some later though. Thank you so much, Shinomiya-san. You're so kind."_

 _Natsuki basked in the glow of gratitude. It felt amazing to make Haruka happy, strained as it seemed. It was rare enough that they had quality time together. Both of them were so busy._

 _"_ _Maybe next time I'll make a chiffon cake. Those are really cute."_

 _"_ _They are," Haruka perked up, "I've seen these rainbow chiffon cakes online. They really match Starish, don't they?"_

 _He nodded, "I'd love to try and make one."_

 _"_ _Don't push yourself too hard…"_

 _"_ _If Starish is a chiffon cake, Haru-chan, you would be the oven," Natsuki stated gleefully._

 _But Haruka didn't seem amused. In fact, her eyes remained downcast._

 _"_ _Haru-chan?"_

 _"_ _I better go back to work then. Have a nice day, Shinomiya-san."_

 _After that, she politely excused herself and wandered aimlessly back to the dormitory._

Maybe she didn't like the metaphor. Natsuki knew sometimes he could be a little weird but perhaps he offended her in some way, unintentionally. He would hate to be the reason for Haruka's disappearance or cause her any distress.

But it was likely that music was the problem.

It contradicted Nanami's character. She thrived on music. What would she be without music?

Natsuki thought back to the days before international tours and glittering stages. He thought to the crumbling music rooms and crammed cafeterias. Life was so much simpler at Saotome. Natsuki remember first meeting Haruka, Satsuki's first meeting with Haruka.

It wasn't just her music that drew him to her. It was her compassion and her kindness. Being with her was truly like basking in the sun. He could relax and enjoy her company.

Even though she knew about the dark side to him, she never hesitated to get close. She never hesitated to accept him, like anybody else. She wasn't terrified. And for that, Natsuki could never thank her enough.

Even if she could never compose again (as horrid as that thought was), Natsuki wanted to see her. He still wanted to be with her, even if he couldn't sing her songs again. It was selfish but it was the only conclusion he could come to.

Natsuki picked himself up.

Instead of moping around, he should be thinking about how to comfort Haruka. She must be trying her best and Natsuki couldn't slack off while she was.

He wanted to protect her smile. She was always protecting him. He could only hope to do the same for her.

"A rainbow chiffon," he declared, "I'm going to practice making a chiffon cake. Then I'm going to find her."

He headed off in the direction of the kitchen with newfound determination. Regardless of what the others deemed the correct option, Natsuki had to see Haruka. He wanted to be there for her. And when he saw her, he'd give her the chiffon cake. He would say directly: it doesn't matter if you want to stop composing, as long as you're smiling.

And he would protect her. No matter what, he would definitely protect her. And what else would you call that but love?


	3. Ichinose Tokiya

"Fabulous, Tokiya-kun," the photographer swooned as she snapped a few more shots. "I can't get enough of that sulkiness. Dip your head further down. Hmm… Hand curled in. Yes, like that. Perfect."

There was something soothing about being told what to do. It made it easier to focus. He had to look sulkier. He shouldn't be thinking about anything else. He was a professional. A professional shouldn't be fazed so easily.

"A fantastic set. I think we'll find a few good ones." She clapped her hands together to get the whole team's attention. "Everyone take fifteen. After that, we take another set. I want the background changed and the lighting readjusted."

Tokiya sauntered off to get a sip of water. Now his mind was free to wander.

"Tokiya-kun!"

"Yes?" he answered, a little relieved at the distraction.

The photographer grasped his hands, eyes twinkling. "You must model for me more often. These are simply effortless. It's natural talent you have for the camera."

He smiled sheepishly, remembering all the training he went through. As Hayato, he had constantly been lined up with photo-shoots and interviews. It wasn't as though he woke up every morning amazingly photogenic. It was polish.

"I'm afraid I have to decline. I'm focussing on a music-based career."

She frowned, "That's a shame. You know, I've been a photographer for years. But unless you have the right muse, it's difficult to get the results you want. No matter how good the equipment or the pay, if you don't have the desired model…"

"Uh-huh…"

"Well," she clicked her tongue, "Let's make these next sets count. You need to get touched up for the next shoot. A little darker on the eyes maybe. I'm looking for sultry this time – sultry! That's different from sulky, you know."

She laughed as she headed off. It seemed that anyone assigned by Shining was just as eccentric as him. Eccentric but talented. And hard-working.

Even though he kept reminding himself to stay neutral, he couldn't resist the urge to check his phone. No new messages. So he scrolled down his recent contacts.

 _Nanami Haruka._

Then he switched off his phone.

He was at work. What was he thinking? He couldn't be a hypocrite and begin worrying her. He wasn't about to bombard her with messages, demanding answers. That would be insensitive. When Tokiya wanted to get in touch with his creative side, he needed quiet. The others were always kind enough to provide that for him.

A couple of workers walked by and waved at him cheerfully. "Good work, Ichinose-kun."

He respectfully returned the thanks. But now he was remembering how often Haruka would do that. How she would come up to him and stroke his ego so genuinely. Had he taken advantage of that?

 _"_ _That was beautiful. Your singing is always improving," Haruka complimented, as she came up beside him, "One of your old songs?"_

 _Tokiya smiled gently as he turned to her._

 _He secretly loved it when Haruka overheard him singing. It just reassured him that there was always a supporter no matter what he did. He still remembered the first time she did that. It felt like an intrusion of privacy. But then she had cried. And he felt surer than ever before that music was the right choice. It would always be the right choice._

 _"_ _No, it's from a movie soundtrack. If you like, I could give you the CD. There are some excellent tunes there."_

 _Haruka's eyes widened a little before she shook her head. "That's alright. Thank you for offering. I… don't have much time – to listen to other music. Busy… composing."_

 _She laughed nervously. Tokiya could tell something was off._

 _"_ _Nanami-san, are you feeling alright?"_

 _"_ _Yes, I'm fine," she replied instantly, "I'm just… really happy listening to you, singing other music. There are so many other talented composers out there. You could always rely on them to compose." Then she laughed. "But I guess you sang when you were Hayato-sama too."_

 _"_ _I prefer the music that you make, Nanami-san. I love it – singing with Starish is a dream come true," Tokiya responded politely, "More than Hayato ever was."_

 _Nanami smiled but it was unlike her usual sunshine smile. It was the face of someone who had just been shown a picture of a loved one who passed. Then it occurred to Tokiya._

 _"_ _Nanami-san, do you regret never composing for Hayato?" he asked abruptly. It felt rude to ask but he couldn't suppress the urge._

 _"_ _Not at all," she insisted, "Hayato brought me here and inspired me to write but the music that you sing now surpasses that. It's so heartfelt. You'll continue to inspire more and more people. I'm sure."_

 _Tokiya felt his heart warm up. She always said the right things. It was ironic how he was so lost when he saved Haruka, who ended up helping him accept who he is. He could only hope that he would continue to inspire her._

Clearly, that was not the case now. She was lacking a muse. If he wanted to be her inspiration, he had to be there for her. Like the photographer said: if it's not the right one, then nothing helps.

Even if he couldn't inspire her to write again, he wanted to be there. Because she was there for him when he couldn't be Hayato or Tokiya. Although music was the thread that tied them together, Tokiya refused to believe they didn't have further bonds.

No, further… emotions.

He cared for her, more than the music that she created. He had always felt they had more than just chemistry between them. It was Haruka that he wanted to be with right now. It was time he faced what he was feeling.

"Tokiya-kun," the photographer cooed, "It's time. Let's make this set the best one! Come, come."

Gulping, he stared into her eager eyes. He was going to disappoint her. She had been so kind and supportive. She deserved to have her work done right. She deserved a professional. But he had to do this.

He bowed his head down, as far as it could go. "I'm so sorry. I understand this is unprofessional and extremely childish but I must ask to be excused."

"Is there an emergency?"

"… No."

She tapped her foot. "I must say this is rather unexpected. I'm disappointed."

Tokiya visibly flinched. Even though he knew it was coming, it still hurt. He could feel his self-esteem crumbling down. His entire work ethic ruined in an entire day.

"If I passed this around, not only your reputation but Starish would be ruined."

Tokiya bit the inside of his cheeks but kept his head down. He knew that already. He was being selfish.

"Is it still worth going?"

"Yes."

There was a gentle chuckle. "I like that – no hesitation." Then he heard her exasperated sigh. "Alright, the set from before will have to suffice. I would like to believe that this must be of extreme importance for you to abandon a job. I also expect you to make it up to me. Reschedule some more shoots and whatnot."

Tokiya lifted himself up. "I'm beginning to think that I'd be willing to abandon anything for her."

The photographer smiled warmly, "Then you better go get her."

With one last grateful bow, Tokiya collected his things and called for someone to pick him up. Now that the adrenaline rush was clouding over his logical thoughts, his true instinct shone through. He needed to find her. It didn't matter if she wasn't in the music industry anymore. In his heart, he had accepted Haruka – with or without music, just as she had with him.

He only had to tell her.

* * *

 _Hey guys!_

 _So in case you haven't noticed, I'm writing in the order of Starish. That way I can get all the members' perspectives. Thank you to those who followed and favourited, I love you all :*_

 _Please leave a review so I can hear your opinions! See ya soon_


	4. Aijima Cecil

Since the day he was born, Cecil's life revolved around music. In his country, music was a way of life, not just expression. Then he met Haruka.

He had always watched over Haruka. That's why he believed he deserved her more than anybody else. Yet she was like a microscope for him, not a muse. Everything he thought he knew Haruka showed him again in detail. She offered him a new insight on life each time. Then she offered him Starish – the first place he felt he truly belonged.

It made him feel so insignificant that Haruka didn't share her problems with him. Was he the only one that felt bonded when he sang their music? It just felt like a perfect fit. Then was he just not trustworthy?

All these emotions bubbled up inside him and he had barged into Shining's office without thinking.

"Can't you tell me where she is?" Cecil pleaded helplessly, "You saw her last. She must have at least told you where she was going."

Shining looked unimpressed, crossing his hands on the table like a businessman.

"And if you knew that she felt that way, couldn't you have told us? You didn't have to pressure her and threaten to fire her. We could have done something instead of –"

"Why do you think you are the only one here?"

Cecil frowned.

He didn't understand, really. He thought Tokiya was too heartless and Masato too rational. They weren't listening to their hearts. And although Natsuki and Otoya seemed thoroughly shocked, they weren't acting on it. Ren had kept silent the entire time and Syo just went with it.

Cecil had begun to think he was the only one that cared for Haruka.

"Because you don't understand," Shining answered for him, "Miss Nanami wants time away from you all. She wants to find a way out and compose music she loves again. And if you can't accept it…"

"I can," he shouted, perhaps a little too loudly.

"So you would disrupt her from recovery?" Shining leaned forward, leering at him. It was then that Cecil realised how menacing he was. No wonder Shining made it this far in the entertainment industry. He could be a rock whenever he wanted, completely unshakable.

"No."

Cecil felt like a scolded school kid, foolish and embarrassed.

"Then you should not search for her, unless you want her to quit music for good. If you truly believed in her then you would wait, just like the others. It's a way of showing support."

Like that, Cecil was kicked out of the office. All the bravado from before vanished instantly. He had to rethink his decisions. Was he thinking about Haruka at all? Was he being selfish again?

But he knew that he didn't want Haruka to stop writing, ever.

It was their destiny to meet here and create music together. It was written in the stars. It was the bridge between their worlds.

 _"_ _Over there is Sagitta. It's quite small so you might not see it. It's actually surrounded by larger constellations but Sagitta is quite pretty," Cecil pointed out the other complex stars in the night sky. They glittered like his eyes – the colour of the meadows._

 _"_ _Its name is Latin for 'Arrow'. There's a lot of mythology surrounding it that I hardly remember anymore. Something about Hercules or Poseidon. But I liked the one about it being Cupid's arrow the most. It's quite romantic, isn't it?"_

 _Haruka pulled her knees towards her. She wanted to make herself smaller. She seemed so much smaller when she looked up at the sky anyway. But Cecil looked so comfortable and knowledgeable about the constellations. It seemed like he was born to be among them._

 _"_ _It's beautiful," she could only say._

 _Cecil nodded, staring at Haruka. He could never stop looking at her. He was so glad he managed to catch her as she was heading to her room. They rarely spent any quality time together now that their careers were setting off. Sitting together on the grass, stargazing… It felt like a dream._

 _Haruka was strangely beautiful and inhumanely kind. She was everything wrapped into one. She was everything Cecil could dream of and more._

 _"_ _Haruka, are you feeling alright?"_

 _She lifted her head._

 _"_ _Yes. Yes, I am. I'm just a little tired. But I'm glad I got to see the stars. It's been a while."_

 _Cecil smiled back at her, "The stars are always there to guide you."_

 _Haruka stretched her hand out, as if measuring the distance between her and Sagitta. Then she dropped it, like her desperate act had failed._

 _"_ _I would like to see a shooting star."_

 _"_ _It would be unusual to see one during this time. But Starish is like a shooting star," Cecil mused, "It's a brilliant flash that grants wishes. Hm… Now that I think about it. You would be the shooting star, Haruka. You inspire so many people. You grant their wishes."_

 _He didn't notice how Haruka was staring at a single blade of grass, deep in thought._

 _"_ _I read somewhere that shooting stars are already dead by the time you look at them. They're actually just burning themselves out."_

 _Cecil frowned._

 _That took an odd turn. It was true but he hadn't anticipated it. Was he perhaps misreading the atmosphere?_

 _"_ _But they're stunning. They give themselves up but they're so beautiful. Isn't that how they can grant you a wish?" Cecil turned to her. "Do you have something you want to wish for?"_

 _Haruka smiled sadly at him. "If I told you, it wouldn't come true."_

 _Cecil sensed that he shouldn't pry so he nodded and stared back at the twinkling stars. It was such a peaceful scene but it didn't have the therapeutic effect it should have on Haruka._

 _Soon after, Haruka brushed off the grass on her skirt and said goodnight._

 _"_ _Thank you, I actually managed to relax a little."_

 _Both of them knew it was a lie but Cecil still smiled. He hoped he was at least a little help._

 _"_ _And you're right."_

 _"_ _About what?"_

 _"_ _I think I am a shooting star."_

It bothered Cecil to no end that he didn't act when he spotted Haruka's discomfort. He ought to have been there, like he always was. It made him feel like a failure.

He grunted in frustration.

All the others must feel like this too. The urge to punch something – punch himself in the face, even. Call it egotistical or whatever but all he wanted to do was prove himself. He wanted to prove to Haruka that he was worth trusting and confiding in. More so than anyone else.

He was different. He always had been, from the beginning.

He was sure of his feelings. He wasn't afraid to confront them.

Even if they were doomed to a life devoid of music, Cecil was prepared to love Haruka. He dared to use the word while the others didn't.

"I love her," he stammered.

It made his heart pound in a way it hadn't before, not even for his first concert or when he first said it to her. He had never felt this adrenaline rush before and it was a drug gone straight to his brain. It burnt out all those illogical thoughts he had before.

His feet were already speeding up. He didn't know where he was running to but he wanted to go.

"I love her," he repeated, this time more sure.

And he couldn't help but burst into a radiant smile. He had to see her now – to tell her. If Shining wasn't going to spill then he would find someone that would. And if nobody else knew then he'd search everywhere, until he found her.

And maybe (just maybe), he would earn the right to be her muse. Her one and only muse.

Even though it was selfish, Cecil was determined. This is what he wanted form the beginning. This is why he left Agnapolis: to love Haruka.


	5. Jinguji Ren

Ren prided himself as a ladies' man. He knew women. He thrived on it. He didn't think his little lamb was an exception. He thought he understood her. Maybe this was happening as a lesson for his misogynistic attitude.

He plopped himself by the shade of an oak tree. It was such a sunny day, a complete antithesis to how he felt the day ought to be. He felt so lethargic.

How was he supposed to work like Tokiya when his confidence was shook? It felt like someone had stripped him of skin, leaving him vulnerable to scrutiny – mainly from himself. He felt so useless.

Ren sighed, staring up at the canopy. He couldn't even admire the way the light danced around.

This is stupid.

He ought to be able to give Haruka some space. She deserved it. Everyone needs room to breathe from time to time. Maybe Haruka just needed a break from the city. He had read blogs about nature cleansing the soul. Detox or whatnot. Point is, Ren should want what is best for her.

But what was best?

Was leaving her in desolation really the best approach? Tracking her down and invading her privacy? Force her to produce more music?

It sounded so bad. But that was what they were doing. All of them relied on her to create music. They relied on her composing ability so much that it blurred out Haruka, the girl they cared for most. He'd tarnished his little lamb.

"Damn it."

He never noticed anything different in the music she wrote. All of it was peppy and full of love. All of them were ready to hit the charts. But when was the last time he had seen her? Probably at that meeting a week ago.

When was the last time he wrote his own music?

In the academy, lying on a tree like this. Back in those days, he'd spend forever mulling over words. He'd hole up in a practice room with his saxophone, successfully wooing girls. It was almost like a haze to him. He couldn't imagine doing it now. But then again, it was such a peaceful time compared to now.

Ren dug into his pocket. Some coins, his ID, a scrunched up receipt – Bingo. He uncured it and smoothed it out like a blanket. This would do.

What did he write about in those days? Love? Was it always love?

"Leaving that troublesome place, I only wanted to test my wings," he hummed to himself.

Funny how he had felt that way in the Academy. He was bound up by family obligations then, yet consumed by his love for music. All of it had torn him up. But look at him now. He was flying but he still felt troubled. He was supposed to be freer than before, away from all the rules.

He could love anyone he wanted. There was no no-dating rule. But he only wanted Haruka.

After staring at the back of the receipt for a while, he wrote down 'Haruka' then immediately crossed it out. This was impossible. Did Haruka feel like this while she was with them?

He jammed it back into his pocket. There was nothing worth writing.

 _Ren thought deeply about it before just coming out and asking._

 _"_ _Did you hesitate to answer Van's confession?"_

 _"_ _Eh?"_

 _Haruka had a modest blush on her face. She composed herself quickly and placed her cup of tea on the table in fear she might spill it. This would be an awkward conversation but luckily it was only her and Ren in the living space._

 _"_ _Did you have to think about it?"_

 _It had been bothering Ren for a while now. Although it was a closed chapter, he found himself dwelling on it. It always felt like Van had gone one step further than him._

 _'_ _But he hasn't,' he kept telling himself. He was the one with Haruka right now, not Van._

 _"_ _I… was a little shocked," she answered honestly, "I didn't think that Kiryuin-san had feelings for me."_

 _Ren almost wanted to face-palm. Of course she was oblivious to his flirting. Otherwise, wouldn't she know that all the members of Starish were after her affection? It was better this way._

 _"_ _But I don't think it was… a difficult decision." Then she shook her head. "I don't mean that Kiryuin-san was… Er… Mean? Or rude. He wasn't like that at all."_

 _Ren could feel himself getting a little agitated. He almost regretted asking._

 _"_ _Deep down, I knew that I didn't… love him. Even though I knew he was conveying his feelings through music, I always felt that it was the music driving him. I still don't think I was the one who did that. I don't mean to disrespect him at all. It's just that, I love… music. More than anything."_

 _She was beginning to mumble and Ren thought he may have pushed too far. He had made her too uncomfortable. Then again, this was the perfect opportunity. If he had come this far, he may as well ask her the things that had been bothering him for so long._

 _"_ _You don't think that anyone has been singing out of love for you? Not for music."_

 _Her blush deepened. "It's… never come to my attention."_

 _Ren mustered all the courage he had. He had to do this now when it was only him and Haruka. They were sitting across from each other and Ren was growing more and more conscious of how close they were. If he wanted to, Ren could pull her into a passionate kiss right now._

 _"_ _What if I told you I did?"_

 _"_ _Jinguji-san?"_

 _He stared into her honey eyes._

 _He knew he loved her, more than any woman he had met. There was something so sincere about her and her music. It went to parts of his soul that he didn't know existed. And he wanted to make sure that he never lost Haruka._

 _Ren drew himself back._

 _"_ _Your music always brings out such passion," he went on, allowing for escape._

 _Haruka smiled nervously._

 _"_ _I wouldn't know where else to express myself."_

 _Then her smile twisted slightly. She was looking at Ren yet at the same time it was like she was looking through him._

 _"_ _Neither do I," she answered._

He was certain that he couldn't love anyone more than he loved her. He loved her because she showed him how to love in the first place. He would never forget.

Then it clicked.

Why should it matter now that Haruka couldn't write music? He still loved her.

Why was he getting so confused in the first place? The only reason he missed so many chances to tell her he loved her was because he didn't want to distract her from music. If she wanted to stop writing music, then even better. He could finally tell her.

He'd never play anything again if that's the case. He lived for her music. If not for her, he might not even be in this industry anymore. He would still be that boy, chasing after the shadow of his mother's music and his brother's ambition.

She had patiently picked up the pieces of his heart and restored it. It was only fair that now Ren tried to fix Haruka's.


	6. Ittoki Otoya

It wasn't that long ago when Otoya completely lost the will to sing. During that time, it was Haruka's music and Starish's support that led him through the dark.

He felt so selfish. After all had been said and done, Otoya still had no clue how to make Haruka feel better. If she was like him then she'd retreat to a safe place.

Otoya quickly scrolled through his contact list.

"Tomo-chan, how are you? Are you busy?"

"No, not really. Just getting some makeup put on right now. What's going on?"

"Nanami's gone missing."

"What?" she yelped. Otoya heard some things being knocked over in the background.

"She was supposed to have a meeting with me earlier but we were informed she's taken the week off. She hasn't been able to compose recently. Apparently she said to Shining that she'll quit if she doesn't recover."

"That's different from disappearing."

"So would you know where she might go?"

Tomochika sighed, "But if she didn't tell you where she was going then it's clear she didn't want you to follow her. You know how Haruka is. She'd never tell you directly to stay away. She wants time alone. You should give her that."

Otoya clenched his fist. Of course he knew that.

"I just… have a feeling. She might not want to be alone."

But the line went silent.

"Please, if you have any idea where she is, tell me. I… I really want to be by her side. And if she pushes me away then I'll stay away. Forever, if she likes. But I want to –"

"Otoya-kun, I have to go now. I'm sorry. Goodbye."

Then she hung up on him.

Otoya groaned as he shut his phone down. Tomochika knew. Was Haruka confiding in her? All of this was so confusing. What was Haruka doing? He only wanted to be with her. Ever since he met her on that snowy day he wanted to be with her. She was so warm and accepting of him. Even when he felt like he was hiding behind a mask, Haruka reassured him. Her music rescued him.

He decided that mulling over it wouldn't be of much help. He headed outside to clear his head. The sun was shining so bright above him. He wondered if Haruka was seeing it. Probably not. She must be feeling alone right now.

He clenched his fist.

He still remembered how it felt. He was still afraid of falling into that pit of despair again but he knew that all the members of Starish were here for him. All of Starish and Haruka. But who did Haruka have beside her now?

That place was so dark that it crushed him into thinking there will never be light again. And he was supposed to be the sun.

But even the sun had to disappear.

 _"_ _Ittoki-kun!" Haruka ran up to greet him. She was clearly distressed. "How are you feeling? Are you alright?"_

 _The other members didn't flinch when Haruka held Otoya's hands tightly. He needed the reassurance now, even after they had run wildly through the city. They looked on patiently. Otoya flushed furiously. He was a little glad that he caused such a disruption now._

 _"_ _I- I'm…"_

 _He didn't want to say he was fine. It felt like lying. How did he know he was going to be fine?_

 _"_ _I'm better."_

 _"_ _That's good," she smiled at him, "I was worried. I thought the song had…"_

 _He shook his head rapidly, "No, no! Nanami, your songs are always the best. I'm so glad I was able to sing it. I was able to conquer a part of myself. Now I can sing more and more. I can't wait to be onstage with your music."_

 _"_ _We can work on Song Festa wholeheartedly then," Ren piped up, "I'm going to go inside. Come on guys, you're crowding the door."_

 _He ushered them all inside – all but Otoya and Haruka._

 _Otoya felt even more blood rush to his face. "Sorry I made you worry."_

 _"_ _That's alright. I'm glad you found your smile again."_

 _Otoya felt so nervous all of a sudden. Even shutting the door behind him was difficult. Maybe he was just feeling too much love in one day. It made him all giddy inside._

 _"_ _Yeah. I've decided that I'm going to keep my promise to Auntie. I'm going to be everyone's sun. I'll keep singing and I'll keep sharing my smile as long as I can. We don't have forever after all."_

 _Haruka nodded, "You're right."_

 _"_ _So, I hope I can keep singing your music. I really love Haruka's music."_

 _"_ _I'll make sure that our music can make more people smile then. Your smile is wonderful."_

 _As they came to the sitting room, Haruka held Otoya's hands tightly again. But this time it was not out of relief that she spoke to him._

 _"_ _Ittoki-kun, next time you have to say something, okay? Ichinose-san also felt useless when you disappeared."_

 _The steadiness of Haruka's hands comforted him more than anything else. He knew he could rely on her. It made no sense that he had been antagonised by his unkept promise. There was someone right here who he could talk to._

 _"_ _I promise."_

He wished he could go back now and ask her the same. He wanted to say that he'd be here for her too.

He had broken another promise. He failed to keep Haruka smiling.

Was she crying now?

He detested the idea of sitting around and waiting. How was he supposed to keep away? When he fell into depression, he needed others around him to support him. It gave him energy again.

But he remembered he wanted to be alone. Where would Haruka go if she wanted to be alone?

He kept strolling along the path. The sunbeams were dancing off the flowers that Natsuki planted. Haruka really liked them. She always said they reminded them of her gran's house in the countryside. She said it was peaceful there and brimming with music.

"That's it!" he yelped.

Haruka would have gone to her gran's. All he had to do was find the address. Then he would go and…

And do what?

"Argh! I can't think!" he screamed in frustration, "What do I do to make Haruka smile?"

"Otoya," Cecil called out to him. He was huffing from sprinting.

"Cecil, where are you going?"

"I'm going to see Haruka," he declared boldly, eyes shining. Otoya felt slightly threatened for some reason but it was refreshing. At least he wasn't the only one that couldn't stay still.

"You know where she is?" he asked.

"No…"

Cecil immediately deflated. For a second, Otoya wondered if he should just visit Haruka by himself. Then he quickly threw the idea away. That was too egotistical. Cecil was one of the people who chased after him when he was lost. It would be unfair anyway. The most important thing is to find Haruka. So he swallowed his pride.

"I think I know where she is. Let's go find the address. It'll be quicker with the two of us."

"You're looking for her too?"

"Of course! I think the others are too. We need to find her. I'm going to restore her smile."

Cecil smiled in relief then grabbed Otoya by the shoulder, "Not if I do first."

* * *

Guys, leave me a review. I miss hearing people. Like, tell me your favourite character or something. Mine is Otoya. He's so precious.

:'( Summer leaves me lonely. But hey, at least it gives me lots of time to write.

I really hope you guys are enjoying this fic because I'm having fun exploring different psyches. It's actually pretty challenging. We're almost done. There's two more chapters to gooooo


	7. Kurusu Syo

He liked the feeling of sweat rolling down the side of his face because he earned it. He was sweating as proof of his hard work. Running was always his favourite hobby and now it was his favourite distraction. Whenever he can't think things through, he would run uphill until all that was in his head was the acid building in his limbs.

Today, the sun was glaring at him. Even if he closed his eyes, he could _see_ the light. It was like honey, sticky and warm. It was like her eyes. It was like she was still watching him from wherever she was.

He groaned as he halted to a stop. This wasn't going to work.

He had run around the campus three times – at least. He still wasn't tired; he wanted to do more. Maybe he should stop by the gym and lift weights. That always strained his muscles.

"Syo!"

He turned to see Otoya and Cecil dashing towards him. They were heaving from running so fast that Syo almost wanted to laugh. But the two of them had such serious expressions on their face that Syo began to get worried. What could happen that could make the situation worse?

"What's wrong?" he asked, the moment they bent over to fill their lungs.

"We… We're going…" Otoya started, heaving.

"To find… Haruka," Cecil finished, looking straight into Syo's eyes. "Help us get the others. We're going to search for her."

"But Masato said it's best if –"

"We're going," Cecil repeated, "No matter what."

Syo swallowed.

It was tempting to act all enthusiastic about joining them but there was a creeping voice inside telling him not to. It was telling him this was no good. He would only bother Haruka. He wasn't even strong enough to support her. It would be likely his fault that Haruka won't write. He was better staying here, working out like he did.

"Come with us," Otoya urged, grabbing his hand.

Syo wrenched it back. "I don't –"

"Syo," Otoya exasperated, "Every time we faced a challenge Haruka stuck by our side: Saotome Academy, Shining Agency, the Master course, Utapri awards, the Triple S. We have to do everything the same way we usually do – together."

He stared at Otoya, impressed by his resolve.

He wished he could be like him. He wished he was determined to solve their problems. But he wasn't. He was pessimistic about the entire thing. But it felt wrong to decline after what Otoya said. After all that she'd done, Syo couldn't just abandon her. He would never dream of it. (Plus, it was impossible to say no to Otoya when he gave those puppy eyes. He was too earnest.)

"Alright, alright," Syo sighed in defeat, "I'll get the others. Meet you in the living area then."

Otoya burst into a massive grin and hugged him. Syo felt crushed. The man had no boundaries.

"Thank you, Syo!"

"No bother," he muttered.

Otoya quickly released him, ready to jump up and down. "Alright! Now I'm feeling optimistic."

Syo couldn't help but chuckle. Wasn't he always optimistic?

"Let's split up then. I'll call Tokiya and track down Ren."

"I'll find Masato," Cecil replied.

"So I just have to get Natsuki."

Then they disappeared as quickly as they'd come. But Syo felt slightly better. At least he could focus on doing something now. Nothing he did was going to stop them from finding Haruka. He might as well help, even with guilt tearing at him.

 _"_ _Syo-kun, here," Haruka offered him a towel, "You've worked really hard."_

 _"_ _Thanks," he smiled at her. As much as he enjoyed a long workout, he didn't want Haruka to come so close. He must reek. "How come you're over here? Are you going to the gym?"_

 _He looked her up and down. She was wearing one of those floral dresses that always suited her._

 _Haruka shook her head, "No, no. I was just walking about. I wanted to get… new ideas."_

 _Syo nodded in understanding. As large as the campus was, sometimes it felt claustrophobic. Luckily, their jobs always took them out and about._

 _"_ _You know if you want a really cool strong image, you can just look at Hyuuga-sensei," he grinned, "You should totally write a song about him! Wait, no. That would be weird. Maybe write one dedicated to him? Hm. This is difficult. I have no idea how to help."_

 _Haruka gave a little laugh. "Yes, it is hard at times."_

 _"_ _You do it so well and so naturally," Syo sighed, chugging his water. He completely missed the desolate expression that marred her face._

 _"_ _Syo-kun, isn't it difficult to keep up a strong persona when others look at you differently? Do you ever just feel like taking a break from it?"_

 _Syo turned to her._

 _Haruka was staring over the campus, over the dormitories with a foggy look. And although Syo had decided he wasn't going to come close, he had to hold her hand. It seemed like she was about to float away._

 _"_ _Sometimes," he answered honestly, "But then I remember that I'm making people smile and I forget about giving up. Plus, it's not in my image to give up. It's who I am."_

 _Haruka nodded in agreement, "Syo-kun, you are very strong."_

 _He blushed furiously and slipped his hand away. What was with this tension? It was so… intimate. Haruka was looking at him with those eyes –_

 _"_ _So are you," he managed to blubber out. Mentally, he was kicking himself. That was the perfect opportunity and all he could do was throw the compliment back. It was such a wasted opportunity._

 _"_ _No, not really," Haruka answered quietly, "I can't help anyone the way I am."_

 _"_ _That's what everybody thinks," Syo countered quickly, "I thought that for the longest time. I thought I would never be able to be like Hyuuga-sensei. But you were the one that helped me get over that, Nanami."_

 _She gave him a grateful smile._

 _"_ _That was a long time ago. Now you're so far ahead."_

 _"_ _I think we both are."_

 _Nanami shook her head. "No, you're all very far ahead."_

Thinking back, Haruka must have been struggling to write then. But she was always jotting things down on her notebook or fiddling with the piano. She was always doing something.

Syo understood that though. When you felt down, you might force yourself to be active. But it could make things worse. He had once trained until he couldn't move the next day and he lay there, feeling awful.

Speaking of awful…

"Natsuki, are you… baking?" Syo choked out, trying to ignore the stench. This time it smelt slightly fishy but it was coming from the oven. A colourful puff.

"Ah, Syo-chan. Yup," Natsuki smiled back softly, "For Haru-chan."

Syo's breath hitched. Even Natsuki.

Was he the only one feeling this way? Like there was an animal clawing him up every time he remembered Haruka. If he saw her now, he was sure it would eat him alive.

"Syo-chan?"

"Oh yeah. Otoya wants us all to meet and find Nanami. Something about working together," he droned on, hating the lifelessness of his voice. It felt like he was talking through a puppet.

"That's a great idea! I was just thinking of looking for Haruka after I finished this cake. What do you think? Syo-chan?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Syo?"

"Yes?"

"Are you alright?"

"Sure, yeah."

Natsuki narrowed his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he replied instinctively. The disappointed look in Natsuki's eyes immediately defeated him though. He hated it when his childhood friend did that. It was worse than saying: Syo, you're a weakling.

"I don't deserve to face her like this. I can't even face myself," he confessed, "I couldn't even help her when she was practically asking for help. How am I supposed to help her now? What would I even do? I don't know what's wrong."

Natsuki smiled sympathetically.

"Syo-chan, we all feel that way. I'm sure of it. I think that's why Otoyan wants us to put our heads together. We always face these things together. We can fix our mistakes together."

He recalled Otoya saying something similar. Something about being together. Syo couldn't doubt that with Starish, he felt more confident than ever. It brought something out of him. And although Haruka wasn't a member, she was Starish – in more ways than a composer.

"Don't you want to support her?"

"I do."

"Then let's go find her and see what we can do. If she tells us to go, then we'll keep our word."

"You're… you're right. I'm overthinking this too much. I just feel so guilty –"

"But we have to put Haruka first," Natsuki reassured him, "We all have to put her first."

Just Haruka. The Haruka that believed Syo could be the manniest figure ever. The Haruka that reached out for him when he had fallen so low as to dress up as a girl.

"Okay."

"Let's go then. Oh no, the cake still needs about fifteen minutes to rest. It's a rainbow chiffon. Don't you think it's cute?"

Cute was definitely not what Syo had in mind. The damn thing was bubbling and gurgling – or was that just his stomach? He forced himself to swallow and look away.

"Let's go now. We can't lose time. We need to find Haruka."

Although he felt reassured and determined to become Haruka's support, he could not stop thinking about her reaction. Would she not need him anymore?

But until she said it to him, he would try to be worthy.

* * *

 _Awwww guys._

 _I was rolling around in my bed over the reviews. I'm not kidding. My sister told me to stop grinning like an idiot because I looked creepy._

 _ **AkariShoko, Miss171, Sally Sanchez, moonalice -** if you're reading this, thank you so much for the support. You're all too kind. I cannot emphasise how much your reviews meant to me. I'm overjoyed that you enjoy this fic so this chapter is dedicated to you guys. I will try to be worthy of your compliments! Your words encouraged me to write and because of that, I'm almost done with the final chapter too! And you silent readers, thanks for patiently waiting for my updates. You all know who's next... Masato! _


	8. Hijirikawa Masato

"No."

"But –"

"Ichinose-san, I am disappointed by your hypocrisy. I was not expecting it."

Tokiya shrank back in shame at his words. In fact, all of the others shrank back. While Masato did feel slightly guilty, he was more irritated by the fact that the six of them were ganging up on him. They dragged him out here only to tell him that they had chosen to go after Haruka. How could they all go back on their word?

"If you decide to do this, I cannot stop you. But I will not be a part of this," Masato declared as he stormed out of the salon, the disappointed faces of his friends haunting him.

No amount of calligraphy or meditating was going to help him through this one. He wanted to punch something – and that was completely out of character. He didn't even really understand why he was in a rage, only that the white fury blinded him. He needed to calm down.

"Hijirikawa, wait."

Oh great.

He halted at the sound of Ren's voice. It was always Ren who bothered him during these times. And it was always Ren that made him stop and reconsider his options. He hadn't decided if that was a good or bad thing yet, even after all these years growing up together.

"What's gotten into you?" Ren frowned, more serious than he had been this year.

Masato felt a nerve tick.

"Me? Nothing."

"Then why are you so angry?"

Masato took a deep breath. He needed to remain logical and level-headed otherwise he'd lose the fight. Not that they were fighting. Were they?

"I did not abandon everything for music just to falter here. Everyone here gave up something too. I thought Nanami-san was the same. I thought we all knew what we were pursuing and we would all work hard to achieve it. And if I have to leave Nanami-san too…"

"Aren't you overthinking it? None of us have given up on anything. The little lamb hasn't given up."

"And what if she has?"

"Then I'll quit too," Ren answered smoothly.

"Why, that's very noble of you. But I have bills to pay and a contract to fulfil. I can't fall back on anything. I'm not like you," Masato replied coldly.

"What's wrong with you? Did you hit your head or something? This isn't about us. This is about her. Isn't she important to you too?"

"I'm telling you to leave her alone because she is important. What good will we do by pestering her? All this time, she's been with us. And all this time, none of us did anything to help. You are all too wrapped up in your own feelings to fully comprehend the situation."

"It's better than having none," Ren snapped.

Masato turned his back so he wouldn't have to face Ren. This was what he meant. Everyone was too distressed right now. Everyone needed to cool down.

"You aren't only giving up on her. You're giving up on Starish. And you're giving up on yourself. Didn't you leave the Hijirikawa group to be here with us? So why are you leaving us behind?"

So be it, he thought as he strode away.

"You'll just walk away? Without Haruka, there is no Starish."

He heard Ren sigh and begin to retreat back to the salon. He felt his own heart fall in relief too.

By now, the sun was dropping low like an egg yolk in the sky. Although he would normally be mesmerised by the idyllic scene with creativity flooding him, today he just stared blankly at it. There was nothing new running in his head.

One time Haruka had joined him to watch this. She would move quietly to his side on the tatami mat and Masato loved that about her. Haruka was always so peaceful, never disruptive. She had a live-and-let-live mentality. He was always calm with her next to him. That probably explained the throbbing in his head.

 _"_ _I was thinking of going on a trip," Haruka spoke slowly._

 _Masato faced the crimson glare of the sun instead of her face. It would negate the meaning of watching a sunset anyway._

 _"_ _Where to?" he asked._

 _"_ _I don't have a destination in mind. I just felt like I needed to… spend time away."_

 _I_ _t never occurred to him that Haruka wanted to leave for a long time. As an artist, Masato spent a lot of time entertaining the idea of escaping too, to drop it all and fly away. But life kept him grounded. He could play music and that was what really mattered. He was happy enough._

 _Plus, Haruka was here._

 _"_ _We often find answers on the journey and not the destination," he replied, recalling a quote from a famous philosopher. He couldn't pinpoint exactly where it came from though. He frowned at that point. It bothered him more than it should._

 _"_ _That's… very thoughtful of you. Thank you, Hijirikawa-san."_

 _At that response, he nodded. At least he was useful._

 _"_ _Have you ever been on a journey and gotten more lost?"_

 _Masato dwelled on the question longer than he should. After all, he hadn't been on a large number of journeys. None of them were majorly significant either. He had felt lost just by standing still. It was quite difficult for him to answer in any case._

 _Now the red of the sky had faded into a soft lilac._

 _"_ _I believe you'll find something worth the struggle."_

 _Haruka hummed tunelessly. A strange occurrence really._

 _Masato finally looked closely at her._ _She wasn't looking at the remains of the day. Instead, she was staring at her fingertips as though they were weapons of destruction: with fear but estranged admiration._

 _"_ _Nanami-san, you –"_

 _"_ _I think I will take time off," she declared, not averting her gaze, "You're right. I might find something. Thank you, Hijirikawa-san."_

 _"_ _You're… you're welcome."_

 _Then they continued to stare into the darkness._

If he hadn't been so ignorant, maybe he could have prevented the whole thing. He was probably the last of Starish to see her. She probably packed her bags thinking, 'this is what Hijirikawa-san recommended so surely it can't be wrong'. Now he could only pray that he was.

He wanted Haruka back so badly he would beg. He wanted everything to be back the way it was. Haruka must have felt that way too and that was why she decided to leave. Masato let out a dejected sigh. The sun had finally disappeared, letting his breath become a fog.

Damn Ren. He was right. None of this was really about music or giving up. It was all because of his ego. Masato just wanted to keep to himself so he wouldn't have to admit he was wrong. But he was. And he had messed up badly. He wanted to right it. No, he had a responsibility.

He sighed again. Now he had to apologize to the other guys too. He took out his phone and quickly began typing and searching. He had a knack for remembering tiny details. He could remember the location Haruka had once mentioned briefly. It was on the outskirts. But from there, they would have to look.

He was a man of honour and dignity. He would not allow his stupid pride to prevent him from following the right path. With renewed hope, Masato made his way back to the salon.

"I apologise for my rudeness," he blurted out the instant he entered.

Immediately the heaviness in the air was lifted. Otoya looked ready to cuddle Masato but he kept talking. "The last bus leaves in less than half an hour. My condition is that we return by tomorrow afternoon so we do not miss our appointments. We are still idols. We cannot disappoint our fans."

"But more importantly, we can't disappoint ourselves, right?" Ren smirked, getting up and patting him on the back. From that little action, Masato could sense his overwhelming joy.

"Hijirikawa-san, I was thinking about what you said," Tokiya spoke up calmly. Masato was prepared to apologise for his harshness but Tokiya raised his hand. "You are right. I am being hypocritical. But I think if we don't act then we'll regret it for the rest of our lives. Surely, you think the same way."

Masato glanced around the room: at Natsuki holding onto some form of cooking, at Syo with a fiery look in his eye, at Cecil smiling at him and Otoya grinning broadly as if they could nothing wrong. All of them had overcome their demons. It was time Masato did too. And he had to make sure nothing went wrong.

"I think we have a bus to catch."

* * *

Alright, that's me done.

Haha, I'm kidding! Thanks for waiting for me guys. There's one more chapter to go. To **Miss171** , a big shout out to your support. Reading your review really brightens up my day :) I hope you'll bear with me a bit longer. And **Lovephobia** , you're too kind. I hope you enjoy this chapter (if you're still there).

Anyway! I'm struggling to pull it all together because I wrote this with the mentality: I want Starish to confess their love to Haruka! And now I'm like: Who should end up with Haruka? Somebody help!

Maybe I should just do the amateur thing and kill them off... I'm joking! I think...


	9. Nanami Haruka

Although her grandma was adamant that Haruka rest, it didn't stop her waking up in the middle of the night to compose. Well, try to compose. So far she had scrapped over a hundred pieces without giving them a chance to reach any ears. With each binned note, Haruka's patience shortened. Time was her enemy.

Once again, Haruka found herself hunched over a blank manuscript. It was her nightmare now, being surrounded by whiteness. And she was holding onto a palette that lacked colour.

Nothing had changed since she left. She'd been holed up all day without even a glimpse of sunshine. Haruka glanced around her room. All her things from her childhood were left untouched but she had already ruined the pleasantness with her bad ideas.

Urgently, she wrapped a shawl around her shoulders and left, but not before checking on her gran. She was sound asleep with a content smile. Haruka felt vaguely jealous. She hoped she could do that in the future. The near future.

The stars always shone brighter in the countryside than in the city. What was that she had read about? Light pollution? Yet when she stargazed with Cecil she noticed no such thing. All the stars glittered like they had something to prove.

She wondered what they were doing back home.

Home.

Since when did she call that place home? How strange. But if she ever should return, it would undoubtedly be to the salon with Starish. It was the place she was most comfortable, surrounded by those sparkling people. She even thought she could hear their bickering.

'It's this way, you idiot.'

'Hey, don't call me that! I just can't read the map. It's too dark.'

'Our phones are useless. Who knew there wouldn't be signal here?'

In fact, she caught glimpses of their silhouette in the distance. Just beyond the morning mist, there were seven figures. A shocked breath left her mouth.

"Everyone…"

The group appeared before her like a mirage. They all had such warm smiles on their faces that it was overbearing. Haruka felt guilty that she couldn't greet them the same way. They were crowding around her, yelling her name, creating a cacophony that disturbed her sanatorium. This was the reason she didn't tell them where she was, so that she could recuperate peacefully. A tiny part of her was already begging for them to leave but the reasonable side was telling her it was rude. They had come all this way and taken time from their schedules to visit her.

"Alright," Tokiya's voice rose from the squabble, "Let's speak one at a time."

"Me first!" Cecil yelled.

"No way, Cesshi. I have something important to say."

"So do I."

"Do not assume you are the only one with something of importance to say."

"Don't fight. We're finally here, right?" Natsuki looked pleadingly at them, "And we've found Haru-chan. You're frightening her."

Haruka found her under the scrutiny of all seven of them. She fiddled with her fingers nervously.

"Is something the matter? How come you're all here? At this time of night too."

Then the members started looking at each other uncomfortably. Haruka couldn't help the pessimism that conquered her thoughts. Had they all been let go of by Shining? Were they all here to blame her? Had she failed that badly already?

"We're here to apologise," Tokiya answered, head bowed down. Beside him, the others were also following his lead.

"We all feel terrible about leaving you alone. We should have helped you in any way we could but we neglected you. I hope you'll forgive us."

"We all want to be by your side. We're willing to listen," Syo declared.

Haruka stared at them, completely fazed. What was happening? She couldn't follow. Weren't they angry that she had left? Why had their positions been flipped? She wasn't prepared to accept any apology.

"Um, I'm only taking some time off to rest. There's nothing to forgive."

"We all know how much music means to you. You're still hurting," Ren spoke solemnly.

She wrapped the shawl tighter around herself. She felt so vulnerable. How did they know about anything to begin with? She hadn't told them.

"That's… not your fault. I'm just tired. I needed to clear my head. Don't feel bad. Please don't apologise," she persisted. They seemed to believe her, taking a sigh of relief and finally lifting their heads.

"Little lamb, I have something important to say to you," Ren pushed on, ignoring Cecil's whining. "There's nothing to hide from these guys so I'm going to say it here. I love you. More than you think. Since I met you, I knew what I felt was different from anyone else and since then it's only developed. I want to be with you, for you – not your music."

Haruka hitched a breath. This was so unexpected.

"Me too, Haruka. I love you, since before we met," Cecil proclaimed, "I exist for you."

"Nanami, I want to be worthy of you. So I won't say it like these guys. But I…" Syo died off.

"I'll always be here for you," Otoya gave a sad smile, "That's all I want you to know. And I know it's hard right now but it'll get better. And I want to help you through that."

"Haru-chan, I made you that rainbow chiffon. I hope you'll come back to try it. Because I care for you a lot and I wouldn't want to share it with anyone else."

Masato cleared his throat before speaking as if demanding the others to be quiet. "Nanami-san, when you were gone, I lost my head. I became aware that I need you by my side. You are necessary in my life. So please, choose me."

"Without you, I won't know who I am," Tokiya confessed bitterly, "I'm sorry for pushing this on you."

Then there was finally a break, a space for her to breathe. Instantly she found herself taking a few steps back, if only to put distance between her and the others.

"I… I need a moment," she muttered. Before the others could react, she had disappeared off into the woods. Dawn was just around the corner but the sky was still dark enough for her not to see ahead. If things were a mess before, now it was an utter disaster. How was she to respond to that and also find herself?

Did she love them?

Of course.

She had practically grown up with them. They were irreplaceable in her heart. All of them were good people – too good. Only someone with a heart of stone would be unmoved by them. Her memories with each of them were treasures. How could she look at each one of them and compare? That would be the act of a savage.

Didn't somebody say that if you needed to compare your feelings for other then you weren't deserving of it? Haruka knew she didn't deserve their affections but here they were, giving it to her unconditionally. They didn't even mind that she was broken and worthless. Couldn't even write a single note on a page.

She found herself crying. Quiet, pathetic tears dripped onto the ground. This was too much for her. The music industry was too much. Romance was too much. Composing was too much. The old Haruka used to thrive on it. Where was she now? Who was she now?

She wasn't a person that deserved their love. They could all love this broken shell of hers but she couldn't. And they deserved a reason.

But she allowed herself to wail like a lost child. If nothing else, she could express herself this way. It wasn't through music anymore. It burnt into her like a poker but she was sure they would be hurt even more.

With that conviction, she stood up and wiped her tears. She wasn't worth tears.

Slowly but surely she made her way back. All of them looked relieved at her appearance but Haruka could still see the concern in their eyes. She mentally prepared herself.

"Thank you for coming all this way for me. I truly appreciate it," Haruka bowed her head sincerely, "And for your feelings."

All of them tensed up. She knew it took a lot of courage to confess your feelings. It left you vulnerable and she knew how that felt.

"But I can't respond to them. I'm sorry."

"You're rejecting… all of us?" the forlorn voice came from Cecil but the others all held solemn expressions. Haruka felt her heart crumble even further. She wondered if that were possible. She'd only have grains left.

"I… am not."

"So you've chosen one of us?" Ren cocked a brow.

She brought herself up so she could look them all in the eye. She had to be honest. They at least deserved an explanation. "I can't sort out my feelings right now. I came here to fix my composition issue and I haven't resolved it yet. I don't know when I will. It's… It might be a long wait. It might be forever."

"That's alright, Nanami," Otoya smiled, "We're prepared for that. And you know that forever doesn't exist. I meant what I said: we're here for you."

"It was unfair of us to push this onto you," Tokiya continued, "And more importantly, we're here to help. Please don't do this yourself. We want to help."

"We will do something about Shining too so you do not have to worry about that," Masato added.

"We're all part of Starish, right?" Syo grinned, "If he wants to kick one of us out, he'll have to deal with us too. We'll make sure it goes well."

"Take time to rest," Natsuki comforted her, "All of this is overwhelming but just know we're here supporting you. We're going to be here for you."

"You're worth the wait. Don't think any lesser of yourself," Cecil smiled softly.

Haruka felt tears pricking her eyes. How did she get so lucky to be surrounded by such kind people? They were all of the same heart. It was so unnaturally natural. She felt something warm in the pits of her stomach which she thought was finally inspiration bubbling up. But it was something better.

"Thank you."

* * *

And thank you indeed.

You've made it, guys. You've gotten to the end.

Especially to **Miss171** for your constant kind reviews. I hope you enjoyed reading it! It really means a lot to me that you like this fic. And to **Nanami-Hime** , I've taken your suggestion and effectively created an open ending. I might consider writing separate endings but I'm quite content with it as it is. I hope you are too! **yazbk2988** , you are so sweet to compliment me! But I'm sure you could do just as well. I don't think I got Nanami quite right this chapter but it's all to prove a point so forgive me on that aspect.

Whether Haruka returns to the music industry or not, that is not the central concern. I mean, this could mean the end of Starish or the start of a romance. Take it however you like. But this is about overcoming something, whether it be a mental block, anxiety, stress or depression. Haruka will not suddenly get over self-effacement but in time, perhaps she will. It's easy to lose your way but remember there is always somebody supporting you.

Plus, I don't believe anything truly does last forever. But it's actually a good thing. It means that all the bad things will disappear with time and that we get to treasure all the good times. I hope everyone gets to appreciate that :)


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